There is not much I wouldn't do for my kids.
They are still young and I wonder all the time what they will do in their lives, and what the future holds for them as they pursue their dreams….(sigh)
My loves
Me… as a parent
Isn’t that every parents' intent when they set out on the journey of parenthood?
And now even before the kid is born-- there are countless, I mean— ENDLESS decisions and choices, with a thousand reasons on why this choice and not another.
I think I’ve had all of these conversations with myself and much, much more…
Do I eat sushi while pregnant? Or do I skip it?
Do I call the doctor? Do I go to the ER? Do I wait it out?
Is she old enough to get her ears pierced?
Do I allow sleepovers— or go with “sleepunders?”
When are they old enough to walk to school by themselves?
It is never ending— and like most things in life, the questions become more significant, the stakes get a little higher.
Do we go to private school or public?
How much “help” do I provide them with college applications?
Do I help steer their college decision?
All the way up to “real life” decision making…
Do I help them secure an internship?
Do I “ask around” to see if anyone is hiring full time?
I work at a GREAT company…do I help them “get their foot” in the door?
There is nothing wrong with these questions, nor is it a bad thing to want to help your children to be the best they can possibly be.
Except Aunt Becky— you don’t want to pull an Aunt Becky.
Bribery for college admission= Bad.
Jail = Bad.
But I want to offer my fellow parents, my HR colleagues, hiring managers— and leaders of influence to consider some of the perspectives I have — and take a minute before you act on your child’s behalf.
Perspective #1 - My own experience
I am a child of immigrants. My parents came here with not much money, no college degrees, and very little understanding (if any!) of the US school system or culture. I was supported by the example of hard work, determination and provided financial stability, but it is safe to say that I navigated the ins and outs of growing up largely by trial and error.
When it was college time, I applied to 4 Big Ten schools. I was accepted to all of them. I went to the University of Illinois because — well, if I’m being honest— I’m not that sure why— but seemed like a solid choice at the time. Lots of my smart(er) friends were going there. It was relatively inexpensive, (state school) I didn’t go on endless college visits— I just went.
I studied. I joined a sorority. I found summer jobs at the mall and stumbled into unpaid internships at a local CBS affiliate and then at CNN. I became a general assignment reporter after graduation— and once I realized that was not my calling, I went back to school (again with my parents’ financial support) and got my Masters in Human Resources. I had no experience whatsoever.
My classmates all had degrees in psychology and previous work experience. I thought— I’m so screwed. Dot.com bubble bursts, 9-11, and jobs disappear overnight. I thought- I’m REALLY screwed. I interview with all the companies I can, working with the Career Placement center. I got 5 offers. I took GE’s and stayed with the company for 18 years.
Please do not take this for anything more than it is. By all accounts, I grew up with a great deal of privilege. A great public education in a suburban bubble, with resources and opportunities.
People do this EVERY DAY from much tougher circumstances— whether it is lack of education, or resources, or money or all of the above. Would it have been great to have just a little more guidance along the way and a little less trial and error? Maybe.
But more often than not, I think not.
Perspective #2 - An HR Angle
When you work at a big company, ANY big company— companies and communities can start to merge together, particularly in smaller communities. While there are checks and balances to ensure the proper controls are in place; inevitably, you may start to notice people with the same last names.
Married couples. Kids. In some cases, generations.
And yes, there are times when I realize — does the son or daughter ever wonder how or why they got their job? Do they understand they realized the benefit of having an “in?”
I’m not trying to be unfair to anyone’s kid, (or maybe you!) — as all circumstances are different, but I have wondered— would they be in the position where they are, doing what they do, had the not had the benefit of a parent in the position THEY are in? In particular, if they were in a senior leadership role of great influence? It’s a question worth asking for both the benefit of the parent and the child.
Perspective #3 - Privilege & Leadership
Yes, there have been times when I have been asked to hire someone because the order came from a higher pay grade than mine. It happens, and I can only hope that individual knows what they have walked into, because those scenarios are pretty egregious (and didn’t happen often, thankfully)
But I’ll tell you a story of what has stayed with me to this day… I was chatting with a senior leader and I asked how his day was going and what he’d been up to. He said he asked the CEO to write a letter of recommendation for his son. (who was also an alum from the same Ivy League school his son was applying to), and I was kind left speechless.
I am never at a loss for words, but I just didn’t know how to process it. And it wasn’t so much because I was offended; but because my naive self could not have even dreamt that it was even possible to ask.
I reflect on that situation now and see it through a different lens— that of a mom, an seasoned HR professional, an advocate for equity. I understand the love and wanting the best for your child; and I also understand the importance of earning it, that some lessons should be learned and not avoided. Further, I own the responsibility to ensure all children, and not just my kid— have the opportunities to be able to rise up and meet their potential.
I am not a parenting expert, far from it. Like many of you, I weigh the pros and cons and make the best decisions with the information I have. But what I can say is that I also check my privilege and whether or not my daughters should benefit from it, to what extent, and what that might look like.
In summary, I’m confirming what many of you already know, but perhaps have not considered— particularly as it relates to your workplace.
Privilege starts early, and the benefits of privilege only amplify as one gets older. By the time young adults are ready to enter the workforce, for some— the stage is already set for their success. For others, they are just trying to get an audition.
For my HR colleagues— privilege and the talent pipeline go hand in hand. What can you do to change it up? What strategies can you employ from how to approach talent acquisition to employee development to check the existing bias?
For leaders— what will you do to change and seek talent, other than relying on the “friends and family” connection? What can you do as a leader in your company to start that investment earlier on— so you may reap the rewards later.
For parents — how far will you go to give your kids a leg up in this journey called life? What can you do for your community and school— so that others might have a better shot at the proverbial brass ring?
For all— continue to make conscious decisions, especially if your are making them unconsciously — if that makes any sense.
Said another way, if you’ve done it the same way for 5, 10, 20 years, just take a minute and see if there is another way. There probably is.
Be well, stay well. Wear a mask.
Jean